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[Oct. 19th, 2004|03:13 pm] |
I am going to update my Xanga more often from now on. Why? because I dunno it just feels much more comftorable and I am more familiar with it. Am I going to abandon this spot? Nah I might update so check back every month or so. xD; And to make some commments onto the other live journal users. In case you have forgotten my Xanga link is
http://www.xanga.com/Private/home.aspx?user=Blazing_Fire_Storm |
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| I don't like me. |
[Oct. 11th, 2004|03:04 pm] |
I am a shell of my former self. Why you ask? When I was younger I was athletic, well liked by everyone and considered funny. I still retain some of those qualties but not always though. I have been neglecting myself and whenever I thought of bettering myself I do my best for a few days then give up. I am always to fucking paranoid and keep on wondering what people think of me. I try to my best to pay no mind to this but I just can't! It is something that just fucking keeps popping up in my head when I least expect it. And to go ontop of that I just acknowledge something without any real thought. Then I just pop a question and the person tells me I just fucking asked it. Oh no not only that! I also seem so deaf at times. I become so deaf a person may have to repeat things three or four times before I actually hear it and it just saddens me I made them frustrated. Then they think I myself is a dumbass. I keep on thinking that they think "Ahaha this guy is funny but he is a dumbass" I usually feel I am being laughed at, and that really hurts me. And when I do want to get back at them I ALWAYS FUCKING hesistate. It is because I am to damn nice or not confiedent enough. I almost always have a good come back but I don't want to say it because it will hurt them or if I do say it, it won't come right and I might stutter. And I would only stutter because I would have some doubt in me along the way. I can misinterpret what people say. This almost never happens in real life but all the time online. I look back and say "Such an idiot". I would loathe myself and then some other person because I think they are laughing at me, behind my back. I am not agressive enough either.
Video games are also a problem. Because of those I felt such a nerd. But thank you God of the miracle that I have *some* self awareness of myself. Some of my friends who plays video games LIVES are video games. It is all about them. Let me tell you about Matt. He plays one game and he gets hyped up about it and talks about it for weeks and gives me a description of the all the characters, storyline, his favorite game moments. And tells me the ingame stories of his character That is ok except he does it all the time 24/7. He is even worse with card games telling me all the stats of one card after the next. Hardly anyone talks to him because he can be really annoying. And during Lunch he just goes all over the school devouring his game manuals. Or sits in a corner and reads all alone... Sometimes I wish I posessed his nonchalance. But he is still a good friend though. Because of games I have not been tending to myself and surrondings. My room often is a mess and I forget things real easy. For example: I left a small piece of pizza in a drawer rarely used to hide from my sisters. Three months later my Dad found it well....all hell broke loose xDDD. I use to not brush my teeth for months, not taking showers in weeks, not washing my hands. I always felt real dirty but video games helped me relieve those feelings. You can say games are like drugs: addicting and mess you up on the end. My grades have been poor due to them. And I have gained nearly eighteen pounds (120 to around 137 and not due to age) Now my once flat belly is starting to stick out. I have seen potbellies and I know they are real revolting. Ever since I turned fifteen and a half I started to change all that but it did not last long, though THANKFULLY I brush my teeth and take showers more often now xDD Well maybe too often xDD. I don't have a lot of any real paticular knowledge about ANYTHING except about games. I know nearly nothinga about cars. I don't even know what the hell a SUV, Mercedes, or a Mustang is. All I know is motorcycle, car, truck. The same applies to music as well. I look around my messy room and sometimes it is so messy I feel like to puke. Once I declare something I rarely get around to get doing it.
This low confiedence is killing me in the inside. I feel like a disease in me is eating me from the inside. None of you knew me when I was in middle school. If you had and left for a few years and came back now you would see a huge diffrence. I have to take control of the reigns of my life. If I let this continue I would be dead inside. I may continue to bring you laugh but I won't feel any satisfaction and you wouldn't know it because I would conceal it with a smile. And I know I can be funny sometimes but I want people to see the real me and when I try to show it, it all comes out incorrectly. Some of you may like who I am but I don't. I hate who I am and sometimes which I was someone else. Peh I am glad I do NOT take drugs. o_o
There is a remedy for this. Here is my recipe.
1) Cutting down time on video games and computer.
I have been inside too long and haven't been outside often. And because of this I became a bit distant to some friends. And it would help me improve my grades.
2) Excerise
I don't feel as fast or agile as I use to. This would help build up my low self esteem because I would feel better about my body.
3) Getting rid off the spectacles.
I have to be more tenacious about these. My dad thinks they are a waste and I must learn to be more agressive and persistent.
4) Sleeping earlier
This would better my performance at school. When I get good grades I am more happy about myself.
5) PAY ATTENTION!
I sometimes rush to fast or barely notice something. I should just take my time.
6) ASSERTIVE
I must put that tetostrone to good use xDD
7) SPEAK UP!
With some people or around a lot of new people I tend to passive and not speak at all. That I have to change.
8) NEW HOBBIES DAMN YOU!
I want to become the best person that I can be. And I will focus on my strengths.
9) Err...be less lazy
YUSS! I have to! This is a major must!
10) The most important out of the ten. TALK TO GIRLS! xDDDD
I am too shy especially around ones I don't konw. I HAVE to overcome this barrier. I MUST have go on a date before highschool is over. This is going to be the hardest to overcome.
11) Nonchalant
Self-explantatory and besides my fingers are tired from typin xD
Don't give me any sympathy....please. Somehwhere inside me I want some but I know that is *really* pathetic. |
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| Fall is here at last! |
[Oct. 6th, 2004|08:06 pm] |
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Today was the first day I had the "Autumn feel". And it was so cold today and I adored it! But it was hot again in the afternoon dammit... |
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